The Power of Comments by Leaders (Part 1)

Author: Dave Crisp

2 Mar

Whenever leaders comment, positively or negatively, team members react. It helps to mull over how this works. When you think about it, we pretty much know the reasons from our own experience, but we don’t often take time to look at them in any detail even though direct conversation is the most powerful tool we have for affecting others’ behavior.

Much depends on context – the tone of the preceding conversation as well as the mood and apparent "attitude" or demeanor of the two parties at the moment the comment is delivered. In a happy bantering mood, you may get away with a negative observation without doing too much damage, but even then beware. In general a negative comment has three or four times the punch of a positive. It’s human nature to discount a portion of positive praise as simply being fluff, whereas a negative is often taken to heart and replayed a thousand times in a person’s head.

It’s important to understand this about yourself as well as others. First, you need to develop a habit of analyzing comments made about you in context. Was someone having a bad day? Were they actually talking about you or just about others in general and just venting? Will you, or should you, let one comment disrupt your relationship? On the other hand, does this one comment reveal what the person really thinks, as opposed to all the glossy, "nice" things they think you want to hear or they feel they have to say for some reason? It’s essential that you do this analysis clearly for yourself because otherwise you may simply not be able to let go of thinking about it. Whether it’s accurate or not (about you or about their actual intention), it may slowly poison the relationship.

The more useful way to deal with a negative is to ask the person for clarification either at the time or after consideration. When you do this it clears the air and launches toward a solution, even if the comment was intended and remains negative. But it only works if you can do this in a logical, less-than-emotional state, with genuine enquiry about causes and meaning. This shows you are solid enough in your own assessment to have a different view and that you’re not taking it out of proportion. It gives the person a chance to explain or vent further. It provides more information to assess, so you don’t simply spend tons of time wondering what was meant.

All negative conversations are open to emotional interpretation to a much greater extent that positive ones. You more or less can’t go wrong with a positive comment unless it is so not genuine or inauthentic that it insults a person’s intelligence. People want to believe the best about themselves and are often desperate to hear any comment that reinforces what they do. They normally will do more of whatever that is, so it provides direction. Most people want to do the right things as others see them. The more important you are to them – in other words, the more they respect and value what you say and feel you value them – the more they are likely to strive to repeat whatever it is you are praising. To get them doing a lot more of it, you need to praise regularly, so it reminds them and they develop a habit of delivering more. It takes considerable repetition to create a habit.

By contrast, a negative comment may be ruminated on by the person for weeks or months. They create the habit themselves in a way they rarely do with positive remarks, but it’s likely a bad habit from your point of view.

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