The Power of Comments by Leaders (Part 2) – Rationale

Author: Dave Crisp

3 Mar

With so many reasons not to be negative with people, why do so many leaders use that approach more often than positive ones? The reasons are probably relatively simple to understand. First, we learn early that negative remarks pack a more immediate, powerful punch. If you want action, you usually want it quickly and directly. Criticism has that impact.

Most leaders want at least to see their words connect. When you praise someone they often seem to brush it off. Not so with negatives. Many people feel shy or embarrassed at praise and even seem to ignore it. Usually that’s because they don’t know what to say, not because they haven’t heard or taken it to heart. (By the way, a simple "thank you" usually is a great answer and doesn’t really need embellishment.)

Negatives often come to mind first because we were hoping for more or it’s easy to see a gap in the other person’s behavior… so why not mention it? Noticing a lack can make it hard to go further to consciously find something positive to comment on, so it’s faster and for most leaders that option of speed is seductive. We’re all busy. Guiding someone indirectly toward doing something differently by praising or ‘reinforcing’ each step in the right direction doesn’t seem as direct as simply telling them what’s wrong and what they should do instead.

We may feel badly hurting someone with a negative remark, but then we rationalize, "doesn’t everyone need to deal with the truth now and then?" We’ve all been there. Leaders learn to steel themselves to being taken the wrong way at times anyway… and they don’t feel they ought to have to explain or, worse, apologize, which sometimes people will want them to do even if the remark was entirely innocent. Developing a thick skin toward this daily stress of knowing one’s words may be taken negatively even if not meant that way accustoms managers to think they might as well simply say directly what they have to say and try to ignore how it’s taken.

I often ask audiences to brainstorm why negatives come so easily and why we excuse ourselves. They have no trouble listing lots of reasons, including these, but when it comes to suggesting a new approach they aren’t so forthcoming with suggestions that sound appealing. The quickness of a jab is seductive. The positive approach just looks too time-consuming. We need to look at how it could be different and will tackle that in subsequent posts.

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